Looking back on last night, I wish that having a weird dream did happen. What actually occurred was that as I was settling in to get some sleep an old relationship came to mind. And it was there all night.
Without getting into too much detail, just after I came back to live on the shore and before my days and night were spent being a caregiver, I started a relationship with a man. He was unhappily married. There were reasons for him not leaving the relationship that had turned more into living as roommates than a married couple. Something I understood and accepted.
We enjoyed many hours together. Our love for each other was exchanged. I really do believe he loved me. Maybe he still does. And in a certain way I loved him too. But I decided that things were getting too serious and ended the relationship. In a way it was the hardest decision I ever made. I loved our time together and the sex was quite satisfying.
Many thoughts came to mind last night. From the day we met to the day, it was around this time of the year. Until I told him that we should just be friends and not lovers. Remembering the good times and the sex. Wondering if even after calling it off things would have been different if I had more free time. We talked about getting together as friends, but our schedules never seemed to come together. As I thought back on it, I’m thinking it may have been me not wanting the schedule to mesh.
The thoughts kept the sleep away. Finally around 3am I napped for a bit before the sun came out to say ‘Hello Summer’.
I haven’t seen him for a couple of months. Part of me wants to see him again. Another part says let it go. Even as I write this I don’t know what to do. I’ll probably do nothing other than think about him from time to time.